Friday, 2 November 2012

Difficult questions

This is an aspect of things I haven't talked about before. Not in public anyway. When i started to think about it lately i realised what a difficult issue it is.

Some of it's come out of some IM conversations I've had lately and some of it out of talking to my daughter about sex over the last couple of years. She'll be 13 next year and so i guess it's inevitable that mum has to answer some awkward questions.

But what makes it harder is when you're not sure of the answers yourself. For example she asked me about rape. Well, as it happens it was BECAUSE i was raped that she came into the world and i've NEVER regretted having my eldest girl.

So when my daughter asks me 'is rape wrong?' it's hard for me to answer because of course UNLESS i'd been raped i wouldn't have had my beautiful eldest daughter, would i?

If i said to her, yes, rape IS wrong i'd be more or less wishing she hadn't been born, wouldn't i?

On the other hand if i said no, rape isn't wrong then i might be leading her into danger.

So i'm confused about what i should say to her.

And t gets even weirder when she asks me how i FELT after being raped.

i mean, it's just impossible for me to give her an HONEST answer that makes much sense.

Sure, i can say at the time i thought i didn't want it to happen.

Yes, i can say he hurt me, humiliated me and left me feeling worthless.

Yes, i can say i was scared, thought he might kill me and was a bundle of nerves for months later.

But how can i say i ENJOYED what happened to me? (Because i DID!)

How can i say it was the BEST sex i've ever had and it turned me on big time?

How can i say i CAME from being raped; i had an orgasm BECAUSE i was being raped?

How can i say i LOVED being used with no thought for my feelings?

How can i say i LOVED being treated with total contempt and humiliated in the worst way?

How can i say i LOVED being tied up, gagged, fucked in all three of my holes, beaten and forced to do all kinds of painful and degrading things?

So i suppose the question is - even if you assume that maybe i'm just a sick degraded slut who gets off on being treated like shit - how the hell do i explain things to my daughter?

Especially as i want her to go on loving and respecting me.

Any ideas?

10 comments:

  1. Admit to her that it's complex. That most people see rape as wrong, but you personally do not. Explain your experience for her, and your views on the matter. Explain the realization you went through, and that it's not something you'd wish on her even though you hold the views you do. And above all, re-affirm that you love her no matter what her views on the matter might be.

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  2. Affirm her you love her but also advised her rape is wrong. No matter what your personal views are, at 13 yeears old you do NOT want her to get curious about such things. Kids at this age like to try out things and that's the last thing anyone wants.

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  3. I can see where your concern comes from. To start off with, there is no compulsion for you to tell her that you found pleasure in the act. That was a personal reaction, and hers might be completely different. I think many people develop fetishes, etc based on what happens to them during their adolescence. She just needs to know that as she gets older there may be certain forms of sexuality (Bondage, submission etc) that she would find enjoyable, and that you will always support her in that decision, but forced violence against her will is wrong, and as a mother you never, ever want her to go through that.

    Deviant

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  4. You don't need to tell her anything about your personal experience, because it is just that -- a singular event, whose circumstances may not apply to other women, including your daughter.

    And since we constantly reinterpret events and our own memories, your recollections of your rape event have occurred afterwards, after you realized that your life wasn't going to end or that you would be physically damaged for life. Something like a date rape, is not the same as stuff we read about in the Congo or other war zones, where women are deliberately maimed for life.

    I don't want to try to tell you what's going on inside your head, but your descriptions of your rape event remind me that many women....I'm betting a majority of women have rape fantasies, where they are forced into sex....especially the kind of sex that they have been taught is wrong, and may even end up acting it out with S&M play. How many romance novels that are scripted for female readers use rape fantasies as major plot devices? So, women have rape fantasies....but it has more to do with a preference for virile and dominant men, and not having choice on something they want to enjoy without having the responsibility of having to give consent for. That is not quite the same thing as sexual predators who kill or maim women...no one's going to enjoy that!

    So, I find myself echoing a lot of points that deviant has made so far, except that, at 13, she has no right to consent to any sex of any kind, and must follow rules and use common sense to avoid situations that might put her at risk. There are a lot of dumb, naive girls who start running off to house parties late at night, starting around age 14 or so, and with or without their parents' consent. That is the kind of situation where young girls have a few drinks and are at risk of both date rape at a party, or getting nabbed by a sexual predator if they are found out walking or on the buses late at night.

    Girls may complain these days about a "double standard." But, there is a good reason for that double standard that has been part of every society throughout history. Like it or not, young women have to take some responsibility for protecting themselves and their virtue in spite of being physically smaller and weaker. The only way they can do that is by dressing more modestly and drawing less attention to themselves while out in public, and avoiding those situations in the first place where they could be trapped and taken advantage of.

    There is also a gradient regarding age when a parent decides how much freedom children should have. Our sons had greater personal freedom at a younger age than our daughter did, but as a girl gets older, she has to be more responsible and has more freedom regarding dating and curfews etc..

    wilf

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  5. What we have done with our four daughters (all now married) is just be matter of fact with them. We are christians and believe that Exodus 22:16–17 is more of a warning to fathers to protect their daughters. From our standpoint, they were created for their husbands and their pleasures. My husband is just the steward over them until he finds a suitable husband.

    Your daughter is going to be the property of a man one day. It is best that you teach this to her so that she understands the importance of her decisions and has a happy marriage.

    I would also urge you to remove her from the public school system as this can become a very bad issue if she mentions this to those that do not hold the same convictions. This world is so messed up that there is very little use to the public system other than to have them be brainwashed in a bad way. You and your husband have come to your convictions as to they best way to live and it is your responsibility to teach her those things that have (over thousands of years) proven to be true rather than the new dogma being forced on us today.

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  6. Tell your daughter that you love her and that this is not affected by the circumstances under which she came into the world. Tell her that sex is about giving pleasure as much as taking it and that rape is always wrong, even if the victim gains sexual pleasure from the experience. An act of selfish violence is always wrong, regardless of the consequences.

    You can also tell her that it is normal for some women to gain pleasure in situations of sexual humiliation, partly because the sexual response is involuntary anyway and partly because the frisson of being forced bypasses the unconscious inhibitions that so often prevent people from enjoying sex to its fullest. Saying 'he made me' allows one to over-ride the 'I shouldn't do this' inhibition. This does not justify rape but does explain your response to it in a way she will understand without losing respect for you. There is nothing wrong or unusual in your having sexually enjoyed the experience of being raped, but that does not justify the act any more than does the fact that you love your daughter.

    Tell her that there are many different approaches to sex and all are equally valid as long as they are accompanied by respect and love for one's partners. This includes sexual 'games' based on pain and humiliation as long as these are based on consent. It is quite possible to love someone deeply and fully and yet, with their consent and appreciation, act out sexual situations of dominance and submission. Such relationships require a great amount of trust and openness so can be very special. Sexual freedom means the freedom to choose whatever path is right for us, so your daughter should not feel obliged to follow your approach, or to criticise it and judge you.

    It is right, I think, to be open with your children and always tell them the truth - when they are ready to hear it. I try to answer my children's questions honestly with as much or as little detail as they are ready for and never to go beyond the questions they are asking at the time. Always begin and end by reminding them how wonderful they are and how much they are loved and worthy of love. Then they will grow up to be happy, whatever decisions they make along the way.

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  7. What you tell your daughter will affect her deeply. Her first reaction will probably be to reject your views, since they are (probably) different to anything she has experienced or heard from others. Later she may find herself fantasising along similar lines as she comes to terms with it. So this is not just one conversation but the beginning of an adult dialogue between you and her.

    I guess the first question is how much you wish to influence her behaviour and attitudes. Do you wish her to follow your path into submissive sex or to make her own decisions? If you take your own philosophy literally you should encourage her to remain chaste and innocent until your husband chooses a partner for her.

    In truth it is probably best for you to be open and honest with her, so as to encourage her to be equally open with you with stuff she may well be ashamed of or fearful of your disapproval. She is probably already masturbating regularly and maybe fantasising about a teacher at school.

    If it were me I would try to keep the lines of communication as open as possible by being honest and non-judgemental. I would encourage my own children not to experiment with sex until they are emotionally mature enough to cope with it, and do all I could to make sure they are taking precautions to protect them from unwanted pregnancies and STDs BEFORE it is too late. Anticipating rather than reacting.

    Now to turn your question on its head.

    Suppose you have told her all of this, from all of the sensible responses above to your question, and have given her the freedom to make her own choices while encouraging abstinance until at least age 16 (to be on the right side of the age of consent).

    Suppose she then come back to you, two years later age 15 and with a steady boyfriend of whom you approve and says:

    "Mummy, Thank you for telling me all about yourself and your sex life. I have thought about it and fantasised about it and I now find it a huge turn on. I now feel ready for sex and would like to be like you. For my 16th birthday I would like to be stripped and collared by my boyfriend, be tied down on a table, given a thorough caning by him to remind me that he is my master and then be publicly deflowered by him and made to cum helplessly in front of you and my family and friends, just like the sort of thing you say in your blogs."

    How would you respond to that?

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  8. I think it's important to be honest with your daughter about your own view but treat it as the only right view. So tell her something along the lines of "I don't think rape is wrong but other people do."

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  9. What exactly do you mean by ''leading her into danger''? If you think that rape is not wrong and that we should legalise rape, how would you lead her into danger? Do you mean like you wish that she would never be raped?

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  10. I guess my feelings are very confused. On the one hand I don't think rape is wrong in itself (though of course some situations such as child rape I think are) and I genuinely believe that rape should be legalised for all over the legal age.

    But it's also fair to say that how I feel about myself or in the abstract can so easily get blown away in the face of the reality of my daughter who I've known and loved all her life (she'll be 14 later this year).

    So I suppose in a way I am saying I wish she'd never be raped which I know makes me sound like a terrible hypocrite but I just guess it's more of a case of my feelings being confused and my sense of being a mother overriding my intellectual attitudes to the subject.

    Don't know if that makes sense or not.

    And by the way how I've handled it is to tell her that yes, I was raped and that I did get pregnant as a result but I haven't told her about my orgasming or the way that being raped turned me on and started to change my attitudes to life in general.

    But I worry more than anything about the fact she's asked me about her father because I've never seen him since that day and don't even know where he is. I don't think he even knows he has a daughter and I'm not sure I want him to be a part of her life.

    Is that wrong of me? I don't know but my husband thinks that's the right thing to do as well.

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