This is an aspect of things I haven't talked about before. Not in public anyway. When i started to think about it lately i realised what a difficult issue it is.
Some of it's come out of some IM conversations I've had lately and some of it out of talking to my daughter about sex over the last couple of years. She'll be 13 next year and so i guess it's inevitable that mum has to answer some awkward questions.
But what makes it harder is when you're not sure of the answers yourself. For example she asked me about rape. Well, as it happens it was BECAUSE i was raped that she came into the world and i've NEVER regretted having my eldest girl.
So when my daughter asks me 'is rape wrong?' it's hard for me to answer because of course UNLESS i'd been raped i wouldn't have had my beautiful eldest daughter, would i?
If i said to her, yes, rape IS wrong i'd be more or less wishing she hadn't been born, wouldn't i?
On the other hand if i said no, rape isn't wrong then i might be leading her into danger.
So i'm confused about what i should say to her.
And t gets even weirder when she asks me how i FELT after being raped.
i mean, it's just impossible for me to give her an HONEST answer that makes much sense.
Sure, i can say at the time i thought i didn't want it to happen.
Yes, i can say he hurt me, humiliated me and left me feeling worthless.
Yes, i can say i was scared, thought he might kill me and was a bundle of nerves for months later.
But how can i say i ENJOYED what happened to me? (Because i DID!)
How can i say it was the BEST sex i've ever had and it turned me on big time?
How can i say i CAME from being raped; i had an orgasm BECAUSE i was being raped?
How can i say i LOVED being used with no thought for my feelings?
How can i say i LOVED being treated with total contempt and humiliated in the worst way?
How can i say i LOVED being tied up, gagged, fucked in all three of my holes, beaten and forced to do all kinds of painful and degrading things?
So i suppose the question is - even if you assume that maybe i'm just a sick degraded slut who gets off on being treated like shit - how the hell do i explain things to my daughter?
Especially as i want her to go on loving and respecting me.